Build a Network
One of the overwhelmingly consistent things that I see when parents find out that their child is transgender is that they feel ALONE. SO very ALONE. You feel like you’re the first one to ever deal with this, the first person to cross this bridge and see where the rabbit hole leads. You feel lost, confused, sad, overwhelmed, under-informed, and just altogether frustrated.
As the moderator in a Facebook group for Parents of Transgender kids, I help to accept people into our private group, screen them, answer questions, guide them to resources, approve posts, and moderate the comments. We have a little over 3,000 parents in the group and we’ve grown to this since starting in March 2018. We have 8 moderators and 3 admins. We gain about 60-80 parents every week. I cite all of these numbers to help you, my dear reader, understand the gravity of this situation. We are not alone. There are so very many of us parents and there are more and more every day. We have approximately 10 new parents get approved to join the group every day – and we carefully screen them (ONLY parents are allowed, not folks who are “curious” or “just trying to learn”).
Kids are coming out of the woodwork because they’re learning about options from social media, hearing it from friends – understanding there are plenty more descriptions than we had as young people to really define who they are. Conservative parties are terrified of this – 30 states have filed bills to ban trans girls from playing sports, 15 states are considering banning gender confirming treatment for minors (gender blockers, cross gender hormones, and confirmation surgeries), and there are even states still hung up on bathroom use.
While we may be terrifying conservatives across the country, we are certainly not alone. We don’t really have statistics because the US is fighting so very hard against it, but in 2016 the estimated number of LGBT adults was 4% of the population (12,300,000) and if trans people even account for 1/10th of that, we are still talking about 1.3 million people in the US alone. That’s A LOT of parents trying to figure out who to be and how to support their child.
The most important thing that I recommend for parents who are new to this process is to build a network. Find people locally in LGBTQ+ organizations, find people like you online, find people like you on facebook to talk to and check yourself against, and find your close allies that will be there for you regardless of who your kids are.
This last week, my husband ended up in the hospital for 6 consecutive days with liver problems. It was complicated and because of the levels of toxins in his blood, he needed 24/7 care and that meant staying at the hospital with him and communicating with doctors for him, etc. This left my kids at home alone — and while they’re 14, 12 and 11 (which are technically old enough to be alone for a while), 6 days was a long time and my kids were freaked out as much as I was about their dad’s prognosis.
One of my very closest friends is queer and she works in crisis management. She happened to be able to work remotely that week and spent the time with my kids so that they weren’t alone. They dubbed her their “Queer Aunt Sally” which she loved as much as I did.
Having someone who Aaron was 100% totally safe with was so incredibly relieving. I didn’t have to worry about alternating between sort-of supportive folks, or folks who support but don’t really get it. Having someone that Aaron connected with on a deeper level allowed him to feel truly safe, to really rest, and to be honest about his stress and fears.
Find people who support your kid. Find people who support you. And find people who relate to your kid and they can relate to as well. There is nothing more impactful and encouraging for your son or daughter to see adults who have made it and adults who are like them. Being a cisgender parent, you can be a great ally — you will never exactly understand what your kid is going through – and thats okay. Find people who do. Listen to them, listen to their experience, listen to your child, and build a network of people to protect and help your child grow!